Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I'm the senior

When I woke up this morning, it hit me that today is Wednesday already. This week really past in a blur for me. I was so busy this week yet I feel so energized. I begin to like my daily routine here. My daily routine is basically attending classes, watching drama, reading novel, doing assignment and hangout with my friends. I'm quite proud of myself. I haven't cut any classes in this whole three weeks. I think the major reason for that is my schedule. Most of my classes start at 9, unlike last semester where everyday I had to wake up at 6.30 in the morning. Most people whom know me know that I'm not a morning person. I have to drag my ass off my bed every morning. So, my full attendance in this three weeks is a major accomplishment for me. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I'm actually enjoying most of my classes. Duh, I'm sound like a nerd. But really, I like going to class everyday, it is fun. Plus, my lecturers are very funny and I like the way they teach.
Hopefully I can get dean list this semester. I'm gonna work my ass off for that.

Last Sunday, I had orientation in Pasir Pandak with my junior. It was fun. Last year I was the junior but this year I'm the facilitator for them. Most of the juniors are graduate from matriculation, I even recognized few of them. Sadly, none of them greet me.

Having mee hun as breakfast in the bus.

Reach Pasir Pandak in bas sekolah.

This activity called Mencari Telur Penyu.
It was fun to watch the juniors digging through the sand to find ping pong balls.
Haha..I did this last year.

This one called Istana Puaka. I didn't joined them for this game because it was too hot.
I was busy doing this.

I read the paper under the tree.

Pic of the girls.
Grace, me, steph, bern and vero.

It was really hot. I afraid the sunblock alone could not do the job.
That's when the sweater came in handy.

Group picture for the day.

After more than two weeks of heat wave, it finally rain last night.
I love this view from my window.

I hung out near the bridge yesterday watching people kayaking.
My evidence of sleep deprivation is showing. My eyes dark circle had worsen.

I did tried to sleep early every night but failed to do so. I got so many things to do (more like so many temptation that I can't resist), and so little time.
The truth is I feel busy and overwhelming. But I don't know what am I busy with. Classes? Assignment? Taekwondo training? College activity?
Maybe those are the reason behind my fatigues. My hectic lifestyle.
Got to arrange my priority and start living a healthy lifestyle. Hope so.
Ciao, wanna start writing my term paper about soil ecological function now.

PS: I'm going to the Sure Heboh thingy this Sunday.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

To Mr. Clueless whose last name is hopeless

My perfect happy mood had been ruined by Mr. Clueless. I don't know why I end up with such a clueless guy. I did it again, I made decision based on my current feeling without second thought. But, how am I suppose to know that you are so #$@$%^. I had made it clear that I had tried to get you to understand me better but you just don't get it. Every time I came out with any topic with the hope to pick up your interest or try to understand you better, you completely changed the subject, leaving me with nothing to talk about. You had repeated the same question and subject everyday. Even I know what did you write even before I open your text. It's the same thing everyday. You are so predictable and boring.

You told me how much you like me but I did not felt that way. Obviously, our mind are not on the same frequency, you don't understand what I told you or you are pretending not to understand. I don't see the point of two people claiming to be together but obviously had no clue about each other. At least, I had played my part. I tried to reach out to you but you yourself didn't realize that you are hanging on the cliff, it's only a matter of time before you fell down. I had wasted enough time holding you to keep you from falling down. It's time for me to let go, I'm tired of saving you, I'm tired of saving the relationship that obviously will not working out. But I'm not sorry.

Yes, I'm not sorry.

Actually, it's a relief for me to let go. I'm better off without you.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I wish

Actually this is a late post. It had been in my draft for over three weeks because I had been too busy to post (or simply forget).

As I already starting my new semester this July, it got me thinking that in two years (hope so), I'll be leaving my student life and step into the real world. It scares me as I have to leave my comfort zone and start all over again out there, wherever my career takes me. I haven't decided where to go as I prefer to go with the flow. I see no point in planning the future in details as not everything will go the way you wanted it to be. You got to leave some rooms for changes of plan.

I did stay up at night thinking where I'll be in the next 5 years. The vision that I had in my mind is simple. I see myself as a matured woman who had a career that she loves. She goes to work in her Toyota Camry, dresses in sophisticated dress matches with elegant heels. At night, she goes to dinner with her boyfriend where they share their thought.

Okay, I know my vision for my future is way too perfect. It's a fairytale future, but a girl can always dream, right? So, if dreaming will make her happy, just let her then. As much as I wanted my dream to come true, I can't ignore the reality that hit me. I have to work my way up; it won't be an easy step. First, I have to work on my grade. I'm suck in my last semester but I won't let that happen again. This semester, I will work my ass off and pay attention in class ( texting and a little chat is allowed..haha..I can't go through the class without doing this). I will not study at the last minute (at least try not to) anymore. I know this sentence had appeared in my resolution before, this sentence is like a complusory sentence in my resolution, let it be the new year resolution or new semester resolution, it never fail to make appearance. This time, I'll try very hard, I mean very very hard to keep it. Please keep your fingers cross for me. I'm crossing mine very tight.

By the way, I went to church last Sunday after a year of not going. I forgot how it feel to go the church. Thanks May, for taking me with you to church when in Labuan. I just simply felt happy and my stress and homesick had gone after the service. Thank you God for answering my prayer.

Now, I'm really turning over a new leaf. In the morning, I dragged my ass off my bed even when my heart was screaming for another 10 minutes snooze. My head had make it very clear that sleep in and miss class is a sin that I'm not capable to commit. If you really know me, you will know how hard it is for me. I'm not really a morning person. During my two months holiday, I basically never see the morning sun.

Let's hope the determination stay till the end of the semester. Though, I'm kind of doubt it.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Another summer day has come and gone away...

I wanna go home...
Here I am in my room crying my eye ball out on a Saturday night because I am terribly homesick. After 3 years study outside and being away from my family, I thought I was strong enough to be on my own. How wrong was I. Right now I feel stupid and helpless. I feel totally alone, even the boyfriend don't know how to make me feel better. He only make me feel worst. My friend is struggling with words to make me feel better. The only effective way to lift my spirit is going home.

My next trip home will be on September. That's two months away. Fuck the time, why pass so slow. Fuck you. I can't go back on my mid sem break because I have one week field trip. Screw everything, I just want to go home.

Why I still feel all alone albeit the fact that I have tons of friends around me? The truth is I don't feel fit in here. My body is perfectly here, but my soul is missing along the way. It's looking for way home, where it feel totally warm and secured.
My friend told me to cry tonight but tomorrow will be a fresh new day, just like the sun shine after the rain. I hope he is right.

I really hope so.

Friday, July 10, 2009

A little Sneak Peek

It's Friday night, and guess what I'm doing?

Ta Da.....

Blogging, of course. I mean what else could I do when my transport is limited. Don't ask me why my pillow sheet didn't match me bed sheet.

The first week of my semester past in a blur. Only certain classes had started and we had not been bombarded with assignment yet. But classes is not what had drained me. It's a process when you move into a new room and had to carry all of your stuffs from ground floor to third floor via stair and try to squeeze them all into your tiny room. That's what had drained me and made my muscles sore. When I first moved in, my room looked like this.

I told you, my room is tiny. I was standing at the door when I took this pic.

View of my study table.

Personally, I don't like my study desk. It's way too small. Really really small. I mean when I put my laptop on the desk, I won't have any space left to put my book and paper, then how am I going to do my work if like that leh? (I don't know why suddenly I have this Chinese slang). My fave study desk is the desk in my matriculation. It's so spacious even two person can share it. Plus it has top shelve where I can put my books and other stuff. I know you won't believe me. Let's the pic speak for itself.

Just ignore my ugly face.'s so spacious that I could put my fave pillow on the desk and still study comfortably.

I wonder why everything in my Uni are so small. Even the bed is smaller than a standard single bed. See it yourself.

Please ignore the stain. I know it's gross. I don't want to lie down at night and think about those stain.

The stuff that you see from pictures above are the stuff that I brought from home. Stuff that I left in Kuching was still in my aunt's house. I only got all of my stuff the next day. That's the day when I got my sore muscles. After three trips up and down the stair carrying those loads, this is what I got in my room.

It filled the only empty space in my room.

Actually there were some more stuff that I could not fit into the room. So, I had to put those in the living room. Those stuffs included my printer, my pails, boxes of random stuff and etc.
It took me two days to unpack some of my stuff. Though some of it still remain in the boxes because I don't know where else to put it. My closet is totally full and I have no other furniture in the room.

The bedside view.

When you have no extra furniture for your stuff, you just have to be creative. That's when my box came in handy. I transformed it to be my bedside table. Note to self: Survey some cheap bedside table. I really need a bedside table because that basically where I toss my stuff before I sleep. You can expect me to sleep my phone and novels, don't you?

The remain unpack boxes.

Lucky I'd just empty my laundry basket.

I wonder why my umbrella always end up missing. That one is the third one that I'd bought in one year period. My friend lost my first umbrella which is my fave one because it was strong enough to get me through the storm. So, she bought a new one for me which end up missing. Actually I left it in my friend apartment, but it was gone when I came back for it. Let's hope this one stick around with me.

Now that I have all of my stuff in my room, it started to feel like this is my second home. It does help me with my homesickness. It's very comfortable because now I don't to share it with other people and give me enough privacy. And most important is it gives me chance to learn to live on my own.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Hopeless and Useless

What the point of being in a relationship if you can't commit? Being in a relationship isn't just about texting to ask what are you doing now or have you eaten. It's certainly more than that. I don't know whether you are really that passive or you are just plain stupid? I had given you too many chances to show me that you care, then again, you let me down. If this is your first experience being in a relationship, I won't mind, I'll be glad to guide you to be a better man. But you been in a relationship before. I don't understand why are you still so clueless. Would it hurt for you to call me and ask me how was my day? I'm a girl, okay. I may look tough on the outside, but still there are some parts of me that wanted to feel your love. Try to be a man, would you? It's bad enough that we are thousand miles apart. A simple phone call is all I asked for. Why am I feel like I'm the only one who trying to make this relationship working out? I would like to see some effort from you too, dumb ass. From what I see, this relationship is not going anyway. I had wasted my time on you. Clearly, you are hopeless and useless. I hope you realize it soon. Soon enough before this become history.

I'm so pissed off right now that I swear, the longer I type, the more my keyboard will suffer. Sorry keyboard, just bear with me, I need a place to let this out of my chest. It's been bugging me for quite some time and the fact that I'm PMS-ing right now didn't help it. The sudden mood swing had led to this outburst. Then again, this is my blog, I can say whatever I want. You guys may not understand it and I'm not bother to explain, so just bear it. Now I do feel a lot better.

PS: I wanted to say more but for everyone's sake, I think this outburst is enough.

PPS: Here something to cheer me up..

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

New semester, new me with same hairstyle

Honestly, I didn't expect that my class will start on the first working day. Guess I was wrong. Yes, the first news that my friend told me when they saw me was "By the way, your class start tomorrow" and I was like "What?"(with jaw dropped and mouth opened wide, try imagine me doing that).

I thought my class will only start next week as this week is course registration week. But I'm not a junior anymore, when you are a second year student, your class start automatically even if the schedule is still not valid. This sem my subjects are very specify because everything is about plant. Thank God, no more statistic and chemistry. My first class was good, I could not believe that I had fully paid attention during the 2 hours lecture. It's a good start, hope I can keep it that way.*keep my fingers cross*

Somethings to cheer me up....

the pics that i wanted to post in my last entry..

i miss my family....

I miss my home sweet home..

I miss him...Pino my dear....

I miss the home cooked, send your meal to my here...

I miss the freedom to drive to anywhere i want

I miss the comfort of my bed

I'm going to be strong and kick aside my homesick feeling and bury it deep down in my heart.
That's one of my new semester resolution. I'm gonna share my new semester resolution here soon. Actually it was the same lame resolution for my every new semester but still I'm going to set it. I know I never keep any of it before, everything I wrote down was just bunch of bullshit that I would forget as soon as I put my pen down (in this case is as soon as I post the entry), but a little enthusiasm is what keep me going on. It lifts my spirit.

So, cheers to my new semester....

Monday, July 6, 2009

Leaving On The Jet Plane

My holiday is officially over.

Right now I'm typing this from my new room. Yes, I'm back in Kuching. And I'm terribly homesick. I want to be independent and learn to stand on my own feet, but do I have to go this far (I know Kuching and Sibu is not that far away, just 40 mins flight away) to prove it? Why can't I stay close to home and be independent and study at the same time???

A 2 months holiday is not as good as you think it is. It maybe gave you enough time to relax till you feel bored to death, it took all yours exam pressure away, it let you be close to your family. But in the end, it showed you its evil twist. When the comfort of home grew on you, it forced you to leave all those behind. Leave your love ones at home and stay at a crappy apartmant room.

I miss all this....


Fuck it. Just when I'm in the mood to share my emoness, this fucking broadband takes forever to upload my picture. Screw it, this is going to be another post without pics.

Okay, i really miss all this....
* my family
* Pino
* my home...argh..the comfort of my bed, unlimited Astro movies, the cozyness of home..
* the freedom to drive anywhere I want
* home cooked meal
* EVERYTHING...i miss everthing that Sibu had offered. Yes, for once I do miss Sibu traffic jam.
Now you know how much I miss home.

Suck it up, Suzi. You're a big girl, get over your homesick. I can't. Home is where the heart is.